


All The Madness in My Soul

by Rokesmith



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Romance, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-04-27 00:29:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5026675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rokesmith/pseuds/Rokesmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of short stories about love. Romance, friendship, family and the stuff in between. </p><p>Tags will expand or change as stories are added.</p><p>Latest story: Cisco faces his worst nightmares. But not alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We Used to Be Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caitlin and Cisco, the morning after the first time.

Caitlin sits in the half-darkness, with her body against the head of the bed and her chin on her drawn-up knees. Her hair is a mess, some of her makeup is still on, she’s wearing a borrowed t-shirt, and she’s biting her lip. Because it’s not her bed, it’s Cisco’s.

He’s still sound asleep next to her, and she’s glad of that, because she needs the time to decide what she’ll say to him when he wakes up.

That this was a mistake? She isn’t sure that it was. At least, she doesn’t want to take it back.

That she doesn’t want to ruin their friendship? That’s certainly true, but their friendship has been through so much, so many times it could have broken, and it’s still there. Looked at objectively, their friendship can find a way to survive this, as long as they both want it to.

That she loves him? She knows she does. She knows he knows. And she knows he loves her. See above. Too much has happened for her to doubt it. But she doesn’t think this is the time or the place to say it for the first time.

Whether or not he thinks this was covered by _Whatever happens…_? She can’t ask him that. If this was a betrayal, it was hers and hers alone. He’d tell her differently, but she won’t make Cisco feel guilty for her choices.

She looks over at him again, curled up, facing away from her, his face hidden by his hair. He’s moving slightly, and she thinks he might be dreaming.

They both made a choice last night. They’d stepped outside the bounds of friendship and into the unknown. They did it with their eyes open, and they did it together. They weren’t thinking of the consequences in the heat of the moment, but they hadn’t entirely forgotten them either.

She’d meant everything she’d said, gasped and moaned. She doesn’t know if she can say that to his face, of course. Perhaps she can save it for a special occasion. But it’s important that she’s certain. Cisco wasn’t very coherent himself, but she knows he was telling the truth too.

Cisco rolls over. He’s waking up. And that thought doesn’t send her into an analytical panic like she thought it would. Instead, she stretches out her legs and watches him, thinking how peaceful he looks. She wonders if the tenderness she feels is new or if it’s been there all along.

They’ve been mistaken for a couple more than once before this, by people that knew them and by people that didn’t (whatever he thought of their relationship, Barry treated them as gestalt entity half the time). They’d taken turns to answer that they were just friends, and they done it without malice or regret. But it had never been quite true. They’d never been _just_ friends. What they had seemed much too deep and complicated for that.

Was there a word for that, beyond simply love? She doesn’t know. She’s a biologist, she’s content to leave the poetry to Shelley.

Poetry or not, there a few ways to describe a best friend who you also happened to be fucking. Caitlin knows the one she likes best.

Then Cisco opens his eyes. He blinks at her, like he isn’t sure if he’s still dreaming.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” she says back, and she makes her choice. “What should we have for breakfast?”

“Umm…” He hesitates, and she hopes it’s just because he knows she doesn’t really do breakfast, or he can’t remember what he’s got in the cupboards, or any other everyday reason.

“I could make waffles?” he suggests eventually.

She smiles, and it’s as easy as it was last night. “I’d like that.”

They get up together. Outside the window, the sun is rising.


	2. Mea Culpa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Episode 1.12 (Crazy for You) - The absolution of Cisco Ramon.

Cisco was raised to believe in confession. He understood it well enough. He just never really got his head around what was supposed to happen afterwards. So he tries to be honest, not keep secrets, make sure he has nothing to confess. He doesn’t follow the sacrament anymore, but he still thinks it’s important.

Except for this. That the door to the particle accelerator, the one that trapped Ronnie inside and forced him to tell Caitlin goodbye over a radio, wasn’t sealed by accident or some sort of technical failure. It was sealed because Cisco locked it himself.

Two months pass. Caitlin grieves, cries, rages, goes silent for hours. He doesn’t tell her.

Six months pass. They go back to work in an empty building with only their injured boss and a coma patient for company. He doesn’t tell her.

Nine months pass. Barry Allen wakes up, runs fast enough to unravel a tornado, and Caitlin smiles. He doesn’t tell her.

A year passes. Ronnie comes back, at least something that looks like Ronnie but burns with madness and very real fire, and Cisco watches Caitlin break all over again. He doesn’t tell her.

He wants to, but by now he’s so afraid. He’s afraid he’ll shatter her completely. He’s afraid he’ll drive her away and cost the Flash a valuable ally. He’s afraid of losing the best friend he’s ever had. His motives get tangled up, and he can’t figure out whether he’s keeping the secret for her sake or for his anymore.

So he stays silent, and lets it eat at him. He starts to think that this is his punishment, and he tries to convince himself he’ll bear it till the end of the world as long as he doesn’t have to hurt her again.

Until the day that Hartley Rathaway escapes.

It’s been so long since he’s seen Caitlin really angry, he’s almost forgotten what it’s like. Even with the hangover to keep her in check, she goes cold.

It’s so close to his worst nightmares that he can’t lie to her. She’s his best friend and even if it’s only for two more minutes, he needs her to understand why he did it. He’s the reason she and Ronnie were so broken and he’d do anything if he could fix them.

He made a deal with the devil, twice over, and he has to face the consequences. He’s prepared for hell, he just doesn’t know if he’ll get ice or fire.

What he gets instead is a miracle.

Perhaps, if he’d told her earlier, she would have reacted differently, but the result would have been the same in the end. Because Caitlin Snow has been through grief, despair, rage, fear and every other awful emotion in the past twelve months. Cisco’s been with her every step of the way. He didn’t it out of guilt, or selfishness, or some misplaced desire to fix her so he could feel better. He did it for her, because he’s her friend.

She knows this, and she isn’t angry with him, or with Ronnie, or with herself anymore. She wouldn’t be where she is now – even if that is in the aftermath of a stupidly embarrassing not-date with Barry – without him.

If she thinks about it at all, it’s with nothing more than a twinge of her own guilt that she could never repay what he did for her. Those hours, days, weeks, months he spent by her side, helping her heal.

But she can today. Without thinking, Caitlin gives Cisco what he so desperately needs, but never dared hope for.

She forgives him.


	3. Cordially Uninvited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iris attempts to avert a cliche. As a result, the Rogues receive an offer they can't refuse.

Leonard Snart sat down at the table with the rest of his crew and waited silently till he had their attention. Then he opened the large, cream-coloured envelope that had arrived that morning and slid out the card inside. Both the card and the envelope had been written in a delicate, flowing hand using a narrow, dark blue felt pen.  

 “To Captain Cold and the Rogues,” he read. “The wedding of Iris West and Barry Allen will take place on May 9th – that’s in a month’s time – at St Sebastian’s Church on Twenty-Fifth Street, Central City. You are invited _not_ to attend. It is not necessary to RSVP.”

“I don’t get it,” Mick said.

“The Flash is getting married,” Snart clarified. “Half the city knows it, and he’s obviously worried I’ve been planning some sort of… disruption.”

“And haven’t you?” Mardon asked.

“It never crossed my mind.”

“Why not?” Mick said. “We know exactly where he’s going to be.”

Snart sighed. “Yes, we do. And we also know who else is going to be there.”

“Who?” Axel asked.

“Excluding the supersonic bridegroom…” Snart began, “a best man who can shatter your eardrums, a maid of honour who can turn your blood to ice, ushers with an unrivalled aptitude for projectile weaponry, bridesmaids who can fly, disable any computer we used from a cell phone, or just break every bone in your body the old fashioned way.  Even the kid who dropped this off can beat a Ferrari to sixty. And once they’re finished, the groom’s father will give us whatever treatment we need so we can be arrested by the father of the bride.”  

“It’s not like it’s a big deal anyway,” Lisa said. “It’ll probably just be small and cheap.”

Snart smiled. “Excuse my sister, she’s still sore that Cisco didn’t invite her.”

“What does Laurel Lance have that I don’t?” Lisa snapped.

“A law degree and a clean record?”

“So we’re not doing anything?” Axel interrupted. “Because my dad had this great idea… not for the wedding, though. For the reception. We send them this big box with lovely wrapping a great big red bow, and we write on the label so everyone can read it ‘love from the Trickster’. And he just knows they’re gonna completely go mad when they see it. They might even call the bomb squad.”

“And what,” Snart asked slowly, “is in this box?”

“ _Nothing_!” Axel exclaimed gleefully. “That’s the trick!”

“Vetoed,” Lisa said.

“Seconded,” Mick growled.

Snart shrugged. “Sorry Axel. You and your dad can save that one for a… different special occasion.”

“Okay,” Axel grumbled.

“Well, if that’s your attitude,” Mardon said, “then I’m just going to hit the road. Spend the weekend in Vegas or something.”

“No, you’re not,” Snart told him. “You are going to stay in this city, and you are going to make sure that it gets nothing but clear skies and light breezes all day. Because if a single drop of rain falls on that wedding, you are never going to be able to persuade anyone that you weren’t responsible.”

Mardon stiffened in his chair. “When did you get so scared of the Flash, Lenny?”

“It’s not him I’m worried about.”

“Then who? The Green Arrow? One of his other super friends?”

Snart looked around the table. “We are the Rogues. We’re the most famous people in Central City other than the Flash. We have a reputation. And do you know why? Because every time we commit a crime or fight a superhero, somebody writes about it. Now do any of you remember who that person usually is?” He gave them a moment for understanding to dawn. “That’s right. The future Mrs Allen.”

“West-Allen,” Lisa put in. “That one’s a hyphenator.”

“Whatever she calls herself, it’s her name on the byline when the good people of Central City read about one of our robberies or our battles with the Flash. She’s a good reporter. She’s always honest, even when things don’t go so well for her side. Just imagine what she could do to anyone who tried to ruin her wedding. She could make our successes look like accidents, or stop reporting them completely. Or worse. Mardon, how would you like to read about how you lost bladder control during a robbery on the front page of every newspaper in the city? She could humiliate us, and no one would argue with her. She could turn the Rogues into a joke.”

Mardon slumped back. “She wouldn’t do that, would she?”

“No. Not if we accept her… generous invitation.”

“Fine,” Mardon said.

“Whatever,” Lisa added.

Mick just nodded.

Axel sighed. “Oh, okay. My dad’s gonna sulk, though.”

“Good,” Snart said. “We’re agreed. Now… the next item on the agenda. On May 12th, when the honeymoon’s started and all the guests have gone home, there’ll be an armoured convoy passing through Central City on its way to destroy half a million dollars in old bank notes. Mardon, I want the day as hot as possible, don’t give Killer Frost anything to work with. Axel, break out the oldest tricks you have; they probably haven’t told the new kid about them. Lisa, keep Vibe distracted. Mick and I will take the trucks.” He looked around the table and smiled. “What? You didn’t think I’d gone soft, did you?”


	4. Someone Like You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and his friends attend the CCPD Halloween costume party. As the night wears on, he notices a very different sort of disguise begin to slip away.

“Alright,” said Barry. “One for all and all for one.”

He, Iris and Wally strode into the CCPD charity costume ball with their blue tabards flapping, their prop swords bouncing against their legs and the funny hats wobbling on their heads. They reached Joe – whose ‘costume’ seemed to consist of a plain suit that was older than his children – and managed a dramatically synchronised flourish worthy of the outfits.

“Athos, Porthos and Aramis, the Three Musketeers!”

“Very nice,” Joe said. “But… which of you is which?”

Barry looked past Wally’s misbehaving feather at Iris. She shrugged.

“I’m the cool one,” Wally said.

“We’ll ask Caitlin,” Iris suggested.

“She and Cisco should be here any minute,” Barry explained. “He said he wanted to make an entrance and…” He stopped, staring at the doorway. “And now I know why.”

God only knew where Cisco had got it, but he was wearing a long, red robe that went all the way to the floor, a red cap over his pulled-back hair and a large cross around his neck, the same sort of cross that was decorating Barry’s tabard. He was also wearing a slim, dark beard that Barry had seen no trace of when they’d parted company that afternoon. Apparently Cisco took his fancy dress very, very seriously.

Barry was so baffled by Cisco’s costume that it took him a moment for his eyes to slide over to Caitlin. Wally had beaten him to it, and the boy’s jaw had dropped. She was wearing a long silver-white dress with fluffed out shoulders and a huge skirt. She’d curled her hair at the ends, put some sort of tiara in it and had a string of pearls around her neck.

Barry wasn’t sure what to say, so he settled for “You guys look awesome.”

“Bless you, my son,” Cisco replied, barely keeping his face straight.

Caitlin didn’t try. “Thanks. I’d never have gotten into this without Iris’ help.”

Wally turned to Iris. “Did you lose a coin toss or something?”

Iris swatted him and looked at her father. “Dad, may I present, Cardinal Richelieu and… you do it.”

Caitlin lost her smile and held out her hand with a cool and faintly arrogant expression that reminded Barry irresistibly of Lisa Snart. “Anne de Breuil, Countess Sheffield,” she said. “Milady de Winter.”

The outstretched hand was intercepted by Wally. “Can I get you a drink, milady?”

Iris snorted. Caitlin smiled gently. “That’s sweet, Wally, but you’re not D'Artagnan and I’m not Faye Dunaway.”

“How about I get the drinks?” Joe said.

“I can buy my own drinks, dad,” Iris responded pointedly.

Joe looked at Barry, who shrugged. Joe apparently took that as his cue to leave, and strolled away towards where the ludicrous feathered headdress worn by Captain Singh was bobbing through the crowd.

“What’s his costume?” Caitlin asked.

“I don’t know,” Barry told her. “Whenever anyone asks him, he just says ‘I’m too old for this shit’.”

Cisco grinned. “That’s great. Oh, come on, how do you not get that? You guys are hopeless.”

He refused to elaborate, so they went to the bar. When they got to it – Caitlin’s dress was great for attracting attention – Barry and Iris followed their usual tradition: he bought her drink and she bought his. Caitlin and Cisco did the same. The barman was dressed as Elvis, and he was singularly unsympathetic to Wally’s argument that he was _almost_ 21, thank you very much.

After that, Barry excused himself and wandered around the room. As it was Halloween, there were more than a few fright masks on display, which made finding people difficult. After escaping from b-movie ensemble formed by the guys from the coroner’s office – he really hoped that was fake blood – he found Patty. She was standing by herself, dressed mostly in black except for a pair of pink fairy wings and a stick-on badge that read _Invite me to Christenings or else_.

“That’s a great costume,” he told her.

She slumped. “You don’t get it do you?”

“No, I… umm… Sorry.”

 The awkward silence that followed was interrupted by someone tapping Barry on the shoulder. He tried not to look relieved as he turned to face Andy Bellows, dressed as a navy captain. Andy looked oddly nervous.

“Hi, Barry. Your… friend, the doctor…”

“Caitlin?”

“Yeah, Caitlin. Is… she seeing anyone?”

Barry blinked. Caitlin’s tendency to drop by the precinct and announce herself as Barry’s ‘personal physician’ had led to more than a few jokes about playing doctor in office hours, but his colleagues had gotten bored of it quickly enough.

“Umm… no. She’s not… seeing anybody. That I know of.”

Bellows nodded. “What about him?”

Barry turned to see Cisco hurriedly taking a glass out of Caitlin’s hand as her head dipped, her shoulders shaking with laughter.

“No… they’re… they work together.”

“Okay,” Bellows relaxed a little. “Wish me luck, I guess.”

He moved off before Barry had a chance to say anything else. Barry watched him approach the pair and get Caitlin’s attention. He didn’t quite see what happened next, but he saw Caitlin glance at Cisco, and then Cisco grinned and made an extravagant gesture with his prop cross. Caitlin and Andy went to the bar.

Barry looked around and discovered that Patty had disappeared. He wanted to apologise, though he wasn’t sure what for. He found Iris trying to corral Wally, who’d apparently taken a liking to one of the IT techs.  Barry was sure this had nothing whatsoever to do with the woman’s Wicked Witch costume.

He spotted Caitlin and Cisco at the bar. He couldn’t see Andy.

Then the dancing started.

They’d cleared out a large area at the opposite end of the room, but it took twenty minutes – time enough to absorb another unit or two of alcohol – before anyone used it. Barry wasn’t surprised to see that Iris and Wally were some of the first to do so, showing off their footwork without being slowed down by the old-fashioned boots. Cisco joined them for the next song, making up with enthusiasm what he lacked in precision. Caitlin responded to an invitation with a single wave over her complicated dress. They didn’t even ask Barry, they’d all seen him try to dance.

Interestingly, he did see Caitlin when they played something slower. She was dancing with the Lone Ranger. Barry watched them for most of the song, trying to figure out who it was under the enormous white hat. He saw something else while he was doing it.

Cisco was by the bar again, sipping something that smelt strong and watching another drink – Caitlin’s – like he expected it to run away.

“So,” he said, “who is that masked man anyway?”

Barry sipped a coke for a moment. “That’s Rob. Captain Singh’s husband.”

“Oh,” Cisco said.

“They ran into each other a couple of times at the precinct,” Barry explained. “His company sells medical equipment. They got talking about… something. She’s a good dancer.”

Cisco nodded into his drink. “Yeah, she is.”

Barry left him to it and did another loop of the room. It wasn’t his imagination, someone really had come dressed as the Flash.

Back at the dance floor, he wondered how Cisco had persuaded Patty to dance with him. Maybe he’d known what her costume was.

He walked over to Caitlin and managed to doff his hat without making a mess of it. “A dance with a heroic musketeer?”

Caitlin smiled. “Sure.”

Fortunately, the song was slow enough that Barry had plenty of time to think about where he was going to put his feet. Superpowers hadn’t really improved certain parts of his co-ordination, and there were all sorts of reasons he didn’t feel comfortable looking down.

He tried conversation as a distraction. “When Cisco takes that beard off he’s going to have a red mark on his face for days. Where’d he get it?”

“It’s his Evil Beard,” Caitlin told him.

“His… evil beard?”

“In case he ever has to go undercover as his evil twin,” Caitlin said, her face completely straight.

Barry nodded. “Okay… yeah. You never know, I guess.”

“That’s what he says.” Caitlin smiled.

Barry had a go at twirling her. It didn’t work out like he’d hoped, but they both survived the experience.

“Try clockwise next time.”

“Right.”

They danced quietly for another minute before Barry worked up the nerve to present his hypothesis. “You’re doing it again,” he said.

“What?”

“Looking for Cisco.”

Caitlin stiffed, missed a step, but managed to keep herself on track by sheer will.

“You know he does it too, right?”

Her sigh was nearly lost under the music. “I know.”

Barry tried to keep his tone conversational. “Before Andy came over, he asked me if you were seeing anybody. Like Cisco.”

“That happens. We’re used to it.”

“But…?”

She sighed again. “But I worry I’m spoiling his game.”

“His game?”

“Yes!” she snapped. “If he does want to date somebody else, they’re going to look at me and think I’m the competition. Or worse, they’ll think he’s cheating on me. What if that stops him finding somebody?”

Barry gently led her off the dance floor. He got the feeling this was something she’d been wanting to vent for a while.

“I know him,” she went on. “I know that even if he was with someone else, he’d want to be sure I liked them. If it came down to me or somebody he was dating, he’d pick me, I know he would.”

“What about you?” Barry asked. “You’ve had… guys since… since Ronnie.”

“I’ve had crushes,” Caitlin corrected.  “And none of those exactly ended well. Your friend Andy was nice, but we ran out of things to say after twenty minutes and then I just went back to Cisco.” She leant back against the wall. “Every time I try to go on a casual date, it ends like that. Maybe I should just adopt a dozen cats and get it over with.”

Barry tried not to laugh at the idea of Caitlin the Crazy Cat Lady. He managed to turn it into a smile. “Well, maybe you haven’t met the right guy yet...”

Caitlin watched him carefully. “Or? There was an ‘or’ there wasn’t there?”

He gave her a moment, to make sure she really wanted to hear someone else say it. She held his gaze. He sighed, not quite able to look her in the eye as he said, “Or… maybe you have.”

They both stood listening to the music. Caitlin gave him a distant smile. “He’s the best friend I’ve ever had, and I want him to be happy, but I don’t want to lose what we have. A part of me just wants to keep him to myself. Is that terrible?”

Barry shrugged. “If it is, then I’m not the one to judge you for it.”

More silence. Caitlin looked past him and Barry turned. Cisco was by the bar again, talking to Iris and Wally.

He made a choice, deciding it was worth the risk for his friend. “You know, there are about twenty women our age here that Cisco could have talked to. I know because Wally’s been trying his luck with all of them. But the only ones he’s danced with were Iris, who he knows isn’t interested, and Patty, who he wouldn’t hit on because… well…”

“What’s your point?” She just sounded tired now.

“That there’s another ‘or’. One you haven’t thought of. Or you won’t.”

“You know it’s not that simple.”

Barry didn’t answer. Iris caught sight of them and waved. He offered Caitlin his arm. She thought for a moment, and then took it.

“I can’t tell you what to do,” Barry said. “But I can tell you what I wish I’d done when I had the chance.”

They reached the others, ending the conversation. A new song started to play, something slow and sad about love lost and found. Barry felt Caitlin stiffen, then she disengaged herself from his arm and glided over to Cisco. She had the haughty expression back. Then she bowed, and it took all of Barry’s self-control to keep his mouth shut. Wally seemed mercifully dumbstruck.  

“Your Eminence,” Caitlin said. “Would you grant me the honour of a dance?”

Cisco went through about half a dozen expressions in the next twenty seconds. He finally managed to wrestle his face back under control, and he held out his hand. “As you wish, milady.”

They walked out into the open together. Caitlin put a hand on Cisco’s shoulder. He rested one on her waist. They held each other close. And they danced.

“Wait,” Wally exclaimed. “What just happened?”

“You’ll understand when you’re older,” Iris told him. She handed Barry a drink. “What did you say to her?”

“Nothing she didn’t already know,” Barry replied.

Iris smiled. They watched their friends dance.

“All for one?”

“And one for all.”


	5. Friends Will Be Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry gets the feeling that Caitlin and Cisco have something they want to tell him.

There was something in the air that morning. A tension and a pressure, like a Mardon-level storm was about to break. Barry could feel it from the moment he arrived at STAR Labs, which was weird, because there wasn’t anything that should be causing it. No metahumans, no Rogues, nothing that looked like a job for the Flash. Just Cisco and Caitlin in the Cortex, working away on… whatever they did to pass the time when he wasn’t around. He kept meaning to ask what the latest projects actually were, but something always came up.

“Hey guys!”

Caitlin gave a start and Cisco’s head shot up. Barry hesitated. Maybe he’d been wrong. Maybe something had happened. They were both watching him carefully and neither of them exactly looked pleased to see him.

“Am I interrupting something?” he asked cautiously.

He waited, preparing a plan of action in case either of them said any of the code words signalling they were under duress, or there was someone invisible in the labs, or they thought the other one was a doppelganger or under mind control.

“Nope,” Cisco replied, “we just didn’t know if you were coming by.”

As he spoke, he absently tapped his screen three times. All clear. He still looked tense though.

“Well, station’s quiet this morning, so I thought I’d have lunch here. You guys want anything?”

“Burritos?” Cisco suggested immediately.

Caitlin just nodded. “Sure,” she said, and then returned to her reading.

Barry knew their orders by heart. He took ten minutes, because certain people had moral objections to him using super-speed to skip the lunch rush. Caitlin and Cisco were having a conversation in the side lab when he got back. Between the hushed voices and the effort they put into not looking in his direction, Barry had the feeling they were talking about him. That worried him a little, especially since Caitlin was standing perfectly erect, looking slightly down at Cisco, whose face was dancing with the sort of hopeful and slightly false smiles he always had when he was trying to get her to relax and failing. Then Cisco said something with a broad grin and a dramatic wave of his hands that caused Caitlin to go completely rigid, give him a terrifyingly cold glare, and stalk out of the lab towards Barry.

Neither of them spoke much during the meal. Barry had to do most of the talking, resulting in a somewhat disjointed description of the latest detective-with-weird-gimmick show he’d been reduced to watching while Joe was working late and Iris was writing. Cisco nodded along, but kept his mouth too full of food to actually say anything. Caitlin, on the other hand, ate slowly, like she was forcing herself to go through the motions while her mind was elsewhere. She didn’t even touch the extra guacamole that Barry and Cisco pretended not to notice she always finished off.

When they were done, he zipped to the fridge with the leftovers and the dumpster with the trash. And came back to find Cisco and Caitlin staring at each other, communicating entirely in little twitches of the head.

They both jumped when he sat down opposite them. “Okay,” he said, “you guys are starting to scare me. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, Barry,” Cisco replied. “We’re great.”

His grin was so painfully, obviously fake that Barry felt faintly insulted. Apparently, so did Caitlin, because she let out a resigned sigh. “Actually, there is something. Something we have to tell you.”

“It’s not bad news, though,” Cisco said. “Nobody’s dying or anything. It’s just – ”

“But before we tell you,” Caitlin interrupted, “we just want to make sure you know that we’re not going to let this change anything. We’ll still be your friends.”

Barry looked back and forth between them. This was starting to sound worryingly like an assurance that mom and dad still loved him even though they weren’t living together anymore.

“This is not helping with me being freaked out.”

Caitlin sighed again. “Barry, the truth is… Cisco and I… we’re… seeing each other.”

“Seeing each other?” Barry repeated. “You guys see each other every day.”

Cisco let out a snort of laughter. Caitlin visibly flinched and then took one of those deep, cleansing breaths for when she was trying not to let her irritation show.

“I mean… seeing each other… romantically.”

“As in dating,” Cisco clarified.

He put his hand on the table, palm-up. Caitlin very slowly reached out and took it. He ran his thumb over her fingers in what definitely counted as a caress. She smiled gently and let out a little laugh, as though she was surprised by the gesture. Miraculously, they both relaxed for just a moment, and then they looked up at Barry.

“Huh,” he said.

“Are you… okay?” Cisco asked.

“I… guess,” Barry replied, looking from their hands to their eyes. They were slowly leaning closer to each other, and didn’t even seem aware of it. “I mean… I’m your friend, and I’m your friend too. I’d be really happy if either of you said you’d found somebody, but I never thought… I mean, wow. When did this happen?”

The tension came back again. The next look was nervous.

“About a month ago,” Caitlin admitted.

“Six week, tops,” Cisco added.

“We just didn’t want to tell you until we were sure ourselves.”

“And when were you sure?” Barry pressed.

Cisco shifted awkwardly. “Well, you remember three weeks ago when you came over to drop off the latest Boomerang file and Caitlin was there and I said she’d just come over for breakfast?”

“Yeah…?”

“I hadn’t. I came over the night before.”

“For breakfast?”

“We had sex, dude!” Cisco burst out.

“Cisco!” Caitlin snapped.

“What?” Cisco responded. “You think he’s really going to believe you came over for an all-night movie marathon wearing – ”

“Cisco,” Barry cut him off this time, “I beg you not to finish that sentence.”

He looked at Caitlin, expecting her to be mortified. Instead, she met his eyes with almost the same expression of patient resignation that usually greeted one of Cisco’s terrible first-draft nicknames. Then she looked a little more serious.

“Are you okay, Barry? This is important to both of us.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Cisco said. “We wanted to tell you earlier. Like a dozen times.”

“But you could never figure out how.”

They looked at each other again. They were still holding hands. The grip tightened a little as they both nodded.

“I won’t lie,” Barry said. “I guess this is going to take some getting used to. Especially if you’re going to keep doing _that_. And honestly, you guys can do whatever you want in your… umm… free time. Just please don’t tell me about it. Oh, and if Iris doesn’t know you’ve got to tell her right now, because if she finds out we all kept this quiet I’m going to be the fastest man alive with a limp.”

“I’ll tell her,” Caitlin assured him. “Girl to girl.”

Barry stood. “Okay, well, I’m going back to the station and you two can get back to work. Or I hope it’s work. You know what, if it’s not, don’t tell me.”

“It is,” Caitlin growled.

Barry shrugged and headed for the door. Half way there, he gave in to temptation and turned around.

“Cisco!”

“Yeah?”

“Your girlfriend is _hot_!”

Cisco broke into the first real grin Barry had seen all day. Caitlin flushed and gave him an embarrassed smile. Cisco slid his hand onto her waist and said something that Barry couldn’t hear and didn’t want to. That was definitely his cue to leave.

He made it half way back to the station before the laughter got the better of him. He leaned against a wall to keep himself upright, and when it had subsided into merely a silly grin, he pulled out his cell phone.

_Hey Iris. Guess who finally confessed_.

_Thank god! Oh, I hope you made them suffer._

_I did my best. Meet me for lunch. I’ll tell you all about it._


	6. A Kiss is Still a Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sleeping with your best friend once can be dismissed as an anomaly, a fluke, an outlier. Twice starts to look like a pattern.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story sort of connects 'We Used to Be Friends' and 'Friends Will Be Friends' (at least it exists in the same sort of internal timeline). Someone asked me about Cisco's point of view on that first time, but I thought I'd use him to explore the second, which I think is just as important, if not more so. 
> 
> The poem quoted is 'Love's Philosophy' by Percy Bysshe Shelley.

_Nothing in the world is single;_  
_All things by a law divine_  
 _In another's being mingle--_  
 _Why not I with thine?_

Cisco opens his eyes, and she’s still there. And she’s not watching him like last time. She’s fast asleep, curled up in a cocoon of stolen covers, wearing the same t-shirt she did before and he doesn’t know if he should afraid he’s dreaming or terrified that he’s not.

Last time, they’d got out of bed, put their clothes on, he’d made waffles and Caitlin had smiled and said she’d see him at the lab. He hadn’t known what else to do. Maybe she hadn’t either.

And after that, they hadn’t said anything. Not to each other and not to their friends. Cisco could almost believe it had just been some beautiful and intense dream – not the first – except that the slightest whiff of her perfume sent him tumbling back to that night. She hadn’t stopped wearing it, or standing close enough that he could breathe it in. He wished he knew what that meant.

Maybe it was just habit. It had certainly been habit that had caused him to end the week by texting her _Food and movie?_ He’d done it without thinking, and he’d spent the next five minutes staring at his phone, trying to will the message back. But then she’d texted back _Sure, 30 mins._ He’d held on to the phone, counting the minutes, waiting for her to cancel, right up to the point where he’d buzzed her in along with their dinner and said it was her turn to pick the film to cover up the fact it hadn’t even crossed his mind what they should watch.

She’d chosen something, and he could barely remember what it was, because he’d been too busy watching her, wondering if she’d always curled up that close, always done her makeup that way to come see him and always wore that perfume.

Then the film had ended. He’d looked down at her, desperate to say something because Caitlin was still his best friend and if he couldn’t tell her how confused he was, then who could he tell? But she’d looked at him, and there’d been a question in her eyes too. And an answer. And then there’d been nothing but lips and teeth and hands and skin and the bedroom.

Now he’s lying next to her again and he wishes he knew the new rules. Part of him is cursing for giving in, but the rest wouldn’t trade away a single second as long as things are still going to be okay somehow. He wants to know if it’s okay to shuffle closer, drape his arm over her and go back to sleep.

He errs on the side of caution or cowardice, until he feels her shift. She rolls over and looks up at him, and he can tell she’s been awake for at least a few minutes and she’s been thinking.

“What time is it?” she asks.

He looks around for his dormant alarm clock and realises it’s later than he thought. Past seven and the sun’s already up.

“Waffles?” he asks.

She bites her lip. “Okay. I should shower.”

He tries not to listen to the shower from his tiny little kitchen, or think about her in it. His recollections of her are shadowy. Touch, taste and sound in the dark. Blocking it out, he puts more focus into the waffles than any man should.

The other thing he tries not to think is this: Once can be dismissed as an anomaly, a fluke, an outlier. Twice isn’t random. Twice starts to look like a pattern.

She comes out of the bedroom, mostly dressed in yesterday’s clothes, and settles across the table from him. She knows his kitchen as well as he does.

“These are good. Thank you.”

He shrugs. She sips her coffee without saying anything, which just screams that something’s wrong. She bites her lip again, looking across at him with her big, soft, dark eyes, and he snaps.

“Would you stop that!”

“What?”

“The thing with your lip.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s making me want to come over there and bite it for you!”

The words are out of his mouth before he can think. He doesn’t know what to expect but at least he’s finally said something.

And instead of shock or horror, Caitlin just drops her head, her body shivering with what’s almost a giggle, as though a pressure valve’s been released inside her.

“You’re right,” she says when she’s collected herself. “We should talk about this.”

“Yeah,” Cisco says, hoping he’s agreed to a good thing.

Caitlin nods. “I think… I think we were too good at acting like everything was normal.”

“I don’t want us to stop being friends,” Cisco almost whispers.

“I don’t either,” she replies, and he can see she’s just as scared as he is. “But we can’t pretend nothing has changed.”

He sucks in a breath, stares firmly at the tabletop, and asks, “Do you want it to happen again?”

She waits for him to look up at her, and then says, “I don’t know. It was good.” She smiles gently and Cisco knows he’s blushing. “But I think we should know… why we’re doing it.”

“Take it slow?”

She bites her lip again, and he tries to keep his eyes off it. “I don’t know. But… I don’t think we should force anything.”

She sits there, looking serious and a little afraid, so he does what he always does. “So… when you say _good_ …?”

She snorts a laugh. “Cisco…”

“Come on, Caitlin. Marks out of ten?”

She manages to restrain the giggles enough to say, “If a woman has enough focus to grade you, it’s not a compliment.” And when they both calm down, she asks, “Do you want to tell anyone?”

There’s only one person she can possibly mean. “Like Barry? Umm… we don’t tell each other, like, everything. I don’t know if he’d go overboard trying to be nice about it or stick his fingers in his ears and run to Denver.”

Caitlin nods. “Okay. So… we’ll keep this to ourselves. We won’t _lie_. We just… won’t tell them. Until we have something definite to tell.”

“That sounds… fair.”

She smiles at him again, gentle and soft and so wonderfully familiar. But he sees it flicker, because she knows him so well and she can see the thought that’s ambushed him more than once in the quiet moments over the last few days.

“What is it?”

He’d give anything not to answer this question, but after everything they’ve been through, lying to her feels like crossing a line.

“Ronnie.”

Her gaze firms, the way it does when she’s calling on Doctor Snow. “I wasn’t thinking about him. Not when I was with you.” She sighs, and Caitlin comes back. “I thought about him afterwards. Whether I’d done something wrong.” She touches her empty ring finger. “What he’d say, if he knew it was you.”

He asks even though he’s afraid of the answer, “And?”

“And… I loved Ronnie with all my heart. I would have loved him for the rest of my life. And part of me will.” She takes a deep breath and meets his eyes. “But I know that if it had been me who didn’t come back, I’d want him to be happy. And I’d want you to be happy too.”  

He sits quietly, just looking at her. She looks back. They know each other so well, they’ve watched each other so carefully. But he can’t remember ever taking the time to admire the amazing woman who by some miracle is his best friend.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

“I think so,” he tells her, almost surprised that it’s true.

“If you want to talk, we can. We should.”

“I know.”

She smiles. “Good. I should probably go home and change.”

Cisco nods. “I think this is pretty much the last of what’s in my cupboards. So shopping has to happen.”

“Text me after,” she says. “I’ll see if Barry and Iris are free this evening. We could catch a movie.”

They both smile at that idea. Two couples pretending they’re not on a double date.

She collects her bag and her coat, moving slowly and deliberately like she doesn’t want to leave any more than he wants to her to go. It has to happen sooner or later, though. He knows they both need time and to space to think through this fragile new place this relationship has reached.  So, when she’s ready, he smiles at her and opens the door to let her out into the real world.

But then she stops, standing still on the threshold, looking at him from only a few inches away, like she wants to speak and can’t find the words.

Cisco, on the other hand, suddenly realises exactly what he wants to say. Maybe what he’s been wanting to say since the first time he saw her.

“Caitlin?”

“Yes?”

“You’re beautiful.”

Her cheeks flush, her smile blooms, and Cisco feels his heart fill with light. Caitlin tilts her chin up, half-closes her eyes, and he doesn’t hesitate to press his lips to hers.

_And the sunlight clasps the earth,_  
_And the moonbeams kiss the sea;--_  
 _What are all these kissings worth,_  
 _If thou kiss not me?_


	7. Black and Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cisco faces his worst nightmares. But not alone. 
> 
> A what-if.

Sometimes, Cisco had nightmares about the Cold Gun. He imagined looking into the focusser that he’d built and that the impossibly bright blue-white light would be the last thing he ever saw as it seared his eyes and froze his heart.

He saw the same cold light in the eyes of Killer Frost, and tried to hold her gaze. He shivered, but told himself it was just from the chill. She was just sitting, watching him, an icicle knife dancing between her fingers the way Caitlin would have handled a scalpel. He tried very hard not to think of Caitlin.

But his mind needed something to focus on, beyond the bite of the bindings and the chill in the air. So, for the first time, he really looked at the woman.

He and Caitlin had joked for years about evil twins from the Evil Dimension. He’d even bought a fake beard in case impersonation was needed. But that was before Zoom and Wells and Dr Light. Suddenly the joke wasn’t funny.

Killer Frost was Caitlin, and she wasn’t. It was more than the blue skin, the white hair and the midwinter eyes. It was the way she sat hunched over on the old sofa, the way she almost glided from one place to another, the way she looked at him without a trace of kindness or concern.

“The Flash is late,” she remarked.

Cisco tried to smile. “He’s like that.”

“Oh yes,” she said. “The jokes. I heard about those.”

“Yeah? My reputation precedes me all the way to Earth Two? Awesome.”

Killer Frost looked at him over the razor blade in her hand. “But he will come. You know it. You’re not afraid of me. You’re afraid of what I’ll do to him.”

That wasn’t Caitlin’s voice. It was flat. Cold. Empty. But he couldn’t listen to it, because she was right. Barry would come. He’d come for him because he was a hero and he’d think nothing of laying down his life for his best friend. And though he’d have a plan – Cisco’s insides twisted at the thought it would probably be Harry’s plan – it’d be half improvised and Barry would be front and centre if it went wrong.

Because cold was the enemy of speed. Cisco knew that better than anyone.

Cisco didn’t want to die, but he didn’t want to play Judas again. He’d dreamed of his blood freezing so many times. Perhaps, when the moment came and the world began to fade, he could convince himself that those were Caitlin’s eyes.

Killer Frost stood. “If he is not here in two more minutes, I will call STAR Labs and make them watch as I freeze one of your fingers and cut it off. I think… your left ring finger.”

 He tried to keep still in the chair, not to flinch, as she came closer. “Well… um… what if I want to get married?”

The blue lips twitched. “You won’t miss it. If he’s not here in ten minutes, I’ll cut off your whole hand.”

She reached out for him. Cisco felt ice grip his spine. He looked desperately into the painfully familiar face, seeking a trace of Caitlin. Any spark that the woman had something in common with his best friend.

His breath turned to mist in the air. She inhaled it like cigarette smoke.

“Please…” he whispered.

She stopped. Tilted her head like a snake. Her mouth was almost level with his. Her eyes were ice fields, and Cisco knew he was going to die.

Then she retreated, slipping back and straightening up. It was an agonising second as warmth flooded back into Cisco’s world, and then he realised there was someone else in the room with them.

His voice caught in his throat. He’d been ready to scream at Barry to run, leave him, do all the things that hostages always did at time like this. Except the figure wasn’t wearing red, it was wearing a dark blue overcoat with the hood pulled down.

Killer Frost raised her left hand, her fingers inches from Cisco’s head. “Don’t move.”

Cisco was just wondering how crazy his life had gotten when the figure pulled back their hood, releasing a familiar cascade of chocolate-brown hair. Then Caitlin Snow raised the Cold Gun with her other hand and levelled it at Killer Frost.

“Get away from him.”

“You?” For the first time, emotion slipped into Killer Frost’s voice. “How?”

Caitlin’s expression didn’t change. Goggles hid her eyes. “The prototype,” she said. “The Flash rebuilt it.”

Killer Frost’s other hand came up, aiming the dagger at Caitlin and the gun she held. In response, there was a high whine as light started crackling in the focussing field.

“You should know that won’t work on this gun,” Caitlin said calmly, holding her ground. “It was built to handle blowback at ten Kelvin. And you can’t freeze me before I can pull the trigger so _back away_.”

Her double didn’t move. Her fingers twisted and the air around Cisco dropped by five degrees.

“You won’t,” she said. “You can’t. You’re a doctor, _Caitlin_.”

“So are you, _Louise_.”

Cisco might have imagined it, but it felt like some of the warmth was creeping back into his body.

“You can’t kill me,” Killer Frost repeated, and there was an expression on her face that Cisco had never seen before.

Caitlin steadied the Cold Gun. It was heavier than it looked, but it had no kick. It’d fire as true as a light gun in an arcade. Cisco had no idea if Caitlin had ever used a weapon before, but he wouldn’t have any trouble believing it now.

“The Flash would hesitate,” Caitlin responded. “Joe might too. That’s what Zoom’s counting on. But I see that face every day. I know what I am. And I know what I’m not. If you hurt him, I will shoot you.”

“You don’t know what that will do to me.” The ice was cracking, and Cisco heard the fear.

Caitlin’s voice was cold fury. “Back away from Cisco or I swear we’ll find out.”

Cisco couldn’t see her eyes, but he could see her face. Her expression was more suited to her counterpart, but Cisco knew what he was seeing. It was Caitlin burying all her emotions deep down so they couldn’t affect her actions. She’d do it, he realised. For his sake, she’d pull the trigger. She’d hate herself afterwards, but she’d make sure she didn’t miss.

Killer Frost glanced to her side. He wasn’t trying to hide his fear, but it wasn’t for himself anymore, and she saw that. She looked back at Caitlin, and she dropped her arm to her side.

Caitlin didn’t relax. “Now the other one. And the knife.”

The hand held out towards the Cold Gun slowly relaxed. The ice dagger clattered to the floor. It was already half melted.

“Now go,” Caitlin ordered. “Run.”

Killer Frost took a step back, then two. Then she turned on her heel and strode out of Cisco’s field of vision. The steps quickened, a door slammed, and she was gone.

Cisco barely had time to register that he was safe when there was a clatter and something heavy slammed into his chest. He tensed again, but the pressure against him was soft and wonderfully warm. It was Caitlin, throwing her arms around his neck and pressing her face against his freezing cheeks. He was shivering, half from the cold and half from fear, and wanted so much to just lean against her, but then she backed off. She pulled off the shades and kept her eyes on his for as long as she could, kept smiling that wonderful shining smile even as she ran her hands down his arms and over his fingers. Checking for signs of frostbite.

“It’s okay,” he whispered. “I didn’t lose anything.”

Apparently his opinion didn’t count for much, because she kept up the examination, and only when it was completed did she start on the bonds.

“Where’s Barry?”

“Tracking _her_ ,” Caitlin answered.

Finally, his arms were free. He reached for her on instinct, pulling himself against her and never wanting to let go. Her grip was just as strong, whispering to him that he was okay, he was safe.

“Caitlin,” he said into the softness of her sweater. “That was the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Well, I… have to compete with Lisa Snart somehow,” she giggled, the faintest touch of hysteria behind it.

Cisco laughed along, more from relief than the joke. She pulled him to his feet. He always forgot how strong she was. She slung the Cold Gun on her other side and supported him as they stumbled out of the building.

Brown hair, dark eyes, flushed pink skin. His Caitlin. He held on to her as tightly as he could.

By the time they reached the front doors and stepped out into the spring sunlight, he’d stopped shivering.


End file.
